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An authentic coffee shop experience - A poem by Adam R Jenkins

by Adam Jenkins on July 31, 2018

An authentic coffee shop experience by Adam R Jenkins

We do not provide an authentic coffee shop experience.

We do not supply top-knotted, bearded baristas, dripping with tattoos with a masters degree in latte art, wearing beanie hats and lumberjack shirts.

We don't offer a range of sugar-laden syrups with healthy-sounding names and artisan sprinkles that may or may not contain nuts.

We cannot offer you somewhere to sit on your laptop named after a raincoat, while you listen to indie electronica dream pop, play Candy Crush and pretend to work on your hipster fintech startup.

Do not come to us looking for coffee sack beanbags, artificially weather-worn chesterfield sofas or hand-carved counter-tops crafted from reclaimed Pacific driftwood.

We will not disparagingly snort at you for not knowing the difference between a cashew milk flat white and a skinny coconut macchiato.

If you’re after ten dollar deconstructed green matchafrappachino, frankly, we’ll mochachocacheckyou later.

We will not misspell your name on a wax-coated, unrecyclable, demi, short, tall or grande coffee cup. We don’t even know what that means.

You will not be subjected to an environment designed by retail architects to maximise profits or illuminated by imitation, turn-of-the-century factory light fittings.
Our brickwork and floorboards are not sandblasted, coated with PVA adhesive, primed and left artistically exposed.

We do not stock an extensive & extortionately priced range of hot and cold sandwiches, muffins, wraps & snacks.

Gluten free, lactose intolerant, vegetarian, vegan, fruitarian and pescatarian options are not available.

We will not perpetually and inexplicably disconnect your internet-enabled device from our free, super-slow WiFi service complete with humorous password. We do not provide one.

Coffee Gator does not provide an authentic coffee shop experience. Just the right tools to make incredible coffee in your own home without any of the associated Tomfoolery.

Coffee canister collection

1 comment
by Liam Atchison on August 02, 2018

Hear, hear!

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